Things I Will Do If I Am Ever a Vampire

Or, Rules for the Modern Vampire

  1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.
  2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
  3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with an AK-47 and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with an assault rifle.
  4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast, or another location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.
  5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for breaking and entering.
  6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate mahogany coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
  7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
  8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
  9. I will wear white clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black.
  10. If I can't avoid wearing black and acting weird all the time, I will go to bars that cater to that sort of clientele. It will make it more difficult for the Hero to pick me out of the crowd.
  11. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway, so what's the point?
  12. I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.
  13. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts, or air vents accessing my hidden lair that have any sort of access to the outside and down which sunlight can be directed using mirrors.
  14. If there must be windows, they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.
  15. When I take the Hero's true love to make her my concubine and eternal slave, I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That will goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room, watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
  16. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grow older and they will become whiny and disobedient.
  17. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
  18. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
  19. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
  20. I will have one of my entranced subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.
  21. My home will have mirrors, but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.
  22. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly, or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.
  23. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle (or aforementioned bungalow) unless they have express consent from me.
  24. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container, and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
  25. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I am Dra--cu--la."
  26. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars, or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
  27. I will spend no more than 20 years in any one location, and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will be either dead or in assisted living.
  28. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
  29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts him/herself.
  30. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.
  31. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.
  32. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed, and chained to the wall, where he (or she) will provide lunch for my concubines.
  33. Crossbows, spears, arrows, and other antique weapons with wooden or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.
  34. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol, or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
  35. I will be a strict atheist, so the Hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital," rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably.
  36. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.
  37. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs.
  38. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
  39. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
  40. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teachers at the all-girls school first.
  41. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
  42. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
  43. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, his true love is probably tastier.
  44. All future concubines will be strip-searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.
  45. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
  46. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community, and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends so I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
  47. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi. (And if it does, I will immediately leave town, having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice.)
  48. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtably be ways to destroy me.
  49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.
  50. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
  51. All concubines will save the loose, transparent, flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provide more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.
  52. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines, they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore, all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.
  53. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner that will make bite marks and the absence of blood impossible to identify.
  54. I will not send bodies or parts thereof from former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.
  55. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.
  56. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. He or she has clearly demonstrated that he/she has the ability to destroy me.
  57. More vampires mean a lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.
  58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic - no silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) Ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it look like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it.
  59. I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a usefull skill.
  60. As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing.
  61. I will make lots of long-term investments. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonald's for dinner instead of bothering the Hero's womenfolk.
  62. While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heroes.
  63. As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.
  64. I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.
  65. If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages confered by that particular location.
  66. When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs. Or rabid pit bulls.
  67. I will put on lots of makeup and fur and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two.
  68. I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of something going wrong.

How to Survive if You're in a Horror Movie

Flutter back to the main Cosmos